Is your child a bully? It’s not a pleasant accusation to face, especially when your instinct as a parent is to defend and protect your children. However, this is a growing issue in the U.S., and not everyone’s child is as innocent as they wish them to be. The reality of the matter is that some children are indeed bullies, and sometimes the accusations against them are absolutely true. So what do you do if your child is accused of bullying another child in school?
According to Pacer’s National Bullying Prevention Center, approximately one out of five students report that they are victims of bullying in school. That presents a figure of around 20% of school-aged kids in the United States — which illustrates a prolific problem. The evidence of this growing problem also can’t be denied by observing the various legislative moves being made in various states regarding bullying. In fact, as of 2022 every single state in the U.S. has some kind of anti-bullying law. The vast majority of these laws focus on underage victims of bullying.
What is bullying, exactly?
Bullying can be considered any type of behavior that is done to harm, intimidate, harass or coerce someone. Some examples of bullying include the following:
- Verbal bullying – This behavior includes spreading secrets, making fun of a victim or encouraging others to make fun of them. Calling them names, shouting at them, threatening them or making repeated unwanted comments to said victim.
- Physical bullying – This behavior is rather self explanatory, but includes hitting the victim as well as any other unwanted physical contact. The stereotypical bully who “trips” the target of his or her abuse in the hallways of school or in the classroom is engaging in physical bullying.
- Alienation – This behavior involves purposely excluding a victim from peer activities, ruining their reputation and other general acts that cause the target to be alienated from their classmates.
In other words, bullying is the targeted abuse of another person through multiple means and for multiple motives. This troubling behavior damages a victim’s self esteem and also traumatizes them. According to StopBullying.Gov, children who are bullied run the risk of developing depression, anxiety, sleep disorders and eating disorders. These young victims of bullying also tend to miss more school on average than their classmates — and some eventually drop out of school altogether. Furthermore, a small percentage of victims of bullying in schools develop violent traits as a result of prolonged trauma. StopBullying.Gov cites that 12 out of 15 school shootings in the 1990s were perpetrated by victims of bullying by classmates.
Why do children bully?
There are numerous reasons why a child might bully someone in school. According to Stomp Out Bullying, the most common reason appears to be a lack of attention at home. Another common reason is that the child might be the victim of bullying from an older sibling or other older family member, leading them to engage in the same behavior toward others. Bullies may also come from unstable homes with parents who use drugs or who are otherwise abusive.
Sometimes there is no logical reason behind the bullying. Some children simply engage in bullying behavior because it makes them feel good to make someone else suffer. Stomp Out Bullying cites that when asked why they bully, some children answer that it makes them feel like they’re better than the targets of their abuse.
Whatever the bully’s reasoning might be, the general consensus is that these children aren’t being appropriately taught how to treat others, and — for the most part — their bullying is learned behavior.
What you can do if your child is accused of bullying others
- Keep a level head. If your child’s school brings you in for a parent-teacher conference regarding bullying accusations, don’t get so angry that you end up in the news like this woman. Listen calmly and try to understand what you’re being told about your child’s behavior when you’re not around. It might not be info that you’re comfortable with hearing, or believing, but being reactionary doesn’t help your kid’s case.
- Talk to your child. To avoid any further accusations of bullying, talk to your child about the seriousness of the situation. Encourage them to stay away from the person (or people) accusing them of bullying, and to ignore them if they try to engage. Introduce the fact that there are consequences to behavior such as bullying.
- Consider therapy. If your child is accused of bullying, or has been proven to be a bully, then therapy might be a good idea for them. A therapist can help get to the root cause of this bad behavior, and help your child find other less harmful means of coping with their problems. If there are home problems that might be contributing to your child’s behavior, then considering therapy for yourself and other family members might be helpful.
- Set consequences and follow through with them. If your child is caught bullying another child in school, it is important to lay down consequences for their actions. However, it’s just as important to actually follow through with those consequences. Grounding them, taking away communication devices or limiting their time with friends are good ways to show them that there are consequences. Going back on those consequences just erases any lessons there are to learn.
- Switch schools. If it’s possible, switch the school that your child attends. This separates them physically from the targets of their bullying. However, switching schools isn’t always a solution, and you must also supervise your child’s behavior to make sure they don’t pick up the same bad habits at the new school.
- Get tough. If your child keeps getting in trouble for bullying and normal consequences aren’t getting the message through to them, then consider tougher punishments. This isn’t advocating for physical violence, because there are multiple ways you can hold your child accountable for their actions without violence — especially if their issue is violence-related. Permanent loss of communication devices or certain privileges is an option to consider. In severe situations where you are simply unable to control your child’s bullying behavior, you may potentially consider sending them away to a wilderness camp for therapy. These camps don’t always have the best reputations, and advocates for “gentle parenting” definitely have a lot of negative things to say about them, but these naughty kid camps are available as an option nonetheless.
- Consider alternative schooling or homeschooling. Maybe the best option for your child is to remove them from the public school system altogether. If you’re unable to curb your child’s behavior while they’re in a public classroom setting, and switching schools doesn’t help, you can check out alternative schooling methods. Many states have charter schools, which are somewhat like private schools. If all else fails, consider homeschooling.
You’re responsible for your child and their behavior
If your child has been caught bullying, the most important thing for you to remember is that you are their parent and you are responsible for raising that child into a productive member of society. How your child behaves, whether you’re present or not, is reflective of how you’ve raised them and the values you’ve instilled in them. If your child is bullying other children — whether they’re very young or in high school — it illustrates a failure in that upbringing. Ignoring this problem is just more failure. When you fail to correct bullying behavior in your child, and the problem continues, you are allowing the victimization of others. If the moral implications of this isn’t enough to make you want to nip this behavior in the bud, the potential consequences of it should. Believe it or not, you can be held civilly and even criminally liable for your child’s behavior if they’re caught bullying. In other words, if you don’t take your child’s bullying seriously, you can end up neck-deep in fines or be ordered to pay for damages to the family of your child’s victims.
Since at least 2011, there is legal precedent for the parents of a bully being sued for their child’s actions. According to Metro Kids it is absolutely likely that you can be successfully sued if your child bullies another, and the victim’s parents choose to take this route.
Chelsea Hoffman is a true crime writer with over a decade of professional writing experience. She is best known for her coverage of missing people including the tragic disappearance of Madeleine McCann as well as the heartbreaking cases of Dylan Redwine, Heather Elvis and many others.
