Is your child a bully? Itās not a pleasant accusation to face, especially when your instinct as a parent is to defend and protect your children. However, this is a growing issue in the U.S., and not everyoneās child is as innocent as they wish them to be. The reality of the matter is that some children are indeed bullies, and sometimes the accusations against them are absolutely true. So what do you do if your child is accused of bullying another child in school?
According to Pacerās National Bullying Prevention Center, approximately one out of five students report that they are victims of bullying in school. That presents a figure of around 20% of school-aged kids in the United States ā which illustrates a prolific problem. The evidence of this growing problem also canāt be denied by observing the various legislative moves being made in various states regarding bullying. In fact, as of 2022 every single state in the U.S. has some kind of anti-bullying law. The vast majority of these laws focus on underage victims of bullying.
What is bullying, exactly?
Bullying can be considered any type of behavior that is done to harm, intimidate, harass or coerce someone. Some examples of bullying include the following:
- Verbal bullying ā This behavior includes spreading secrets, making fun of a victim or encouraging others to make fun of them. Calling them names, shouting at them, threatening them or making repeated unwanted comments to said victim.
- Physical bullying ā This behavior is rather self explanatory, but includes hitting the victim as well as any other unwanted physical contact. The stereotypical bully who ātripsā the target of his or her abuse in the hallways of school or in the classroom is engaging in physical bullying.
- Alienation ā This behavior involves purposely excluding a victim from peer activities, ruining their reputation and other general acts that cause the target to be alienated from their classmates.
In other words, bullying is the targeted abuse of another person through multiple means and for multiple motives. This troubling behavior damages a victimās self esteem and also traumatizes them. According to StopBullying.Gov, children who are bullied run the risk of developing depression, anxiety, sleep disorders and eating disorders. These young victims of bullying also tend to miss more school on average than their classmates ā and some eventually drop out of school altogether. Furthermore, a small percentage of victims of bullying in schools develop violent traits as a result of prolonged trauma. StopBullying.Gov cites that 12 out of 15 school shootings in the 1990s were perpetrated by victims of bullying by classmates.
Why do children bully?
There are numerous reasons why a child might bully someone in school. According to Stomp Out Bullying, the most common reason appears to be a lack of attention at home. Another common reason is that the child might be the victim of bullying from an older sibling or other older family member, leading them to engage in the same behavior toward others. Bullies may also come from unstable homes with parents who use drugs or who are otherwise abusive.
Sometimes there is no logical reason behind the bullying. Some children simply engage in bullying behavior because it makes them feel good to make someone else suffer. Stomp Out Bullying cites that when asked why they bully, some children answer that it makes them feel like theyāre better than the targets of their abuse.
Whatever the bullyās reasoning might be, the general consensus is that these children arenāt being appropriately taught how to treat others, and ā for the most part ā their bullying is learned behavior.
What you can do if your child is accused of bullying others
- Keep a level head. If your childās school brings you in for a parent-teacher conference regarding bullying accusations, donāt get so angry that you end up in the news like this woman. Listen calmly and try to understand what youāre being told about your childās behavior when youāre not around. It might not be info that youāre comfortable with hearing, or believing, but being reactionary doesnāt help your kidās case.
- Talk to your child. To avoid any further accusations of bullying, talk to your child about the seriousness of the situation. Encourage them to stay away from the person (or people) accusing them of bullying, and to ignore them if they try to engage. Introduce the fact that there are consequences to behavior such as bullying.
- Consider therapy. If your child is accused of bullying, or has been proven to be a bully, then therapy might be a good idea for them. A therapist can help get to the root cause of this bad behavior, and help your child find other less harmful means of coping with their problems. If there are home problems that might be contributing to your childās behavior, then considering therapy for yourself and other family members might be helpful.
- Set consequences and follow through with them. If your child is caught bullying another child in school, it is important to lay down consequences for their actions. However, itās just as important to actually follow through with those consequences. Grounding them, taking away communication devices or limiting their time with friends are good ways to show them that there are consequences. Going back on those consequences just erases any lessons there are to learn.
- Switch schools. If itās possible, switch the school that your child attends. This separates them physically from the targets of their bullying. However, switching schools isnāt always a solution, and you must also supervise your childās behavior to make sure they donāt pick up the same bad habits at the new school.
- Get tough. If your child keeps getting in trouble for bullying and normal consequences arenāt getting the message through to them, then consider tougher punishments. This isnāt advocating for physical violence, because there are multiple ways you can hold your child accountable for their actions without violence ā especially if their issue is violence-related. Permanent loss of communication devices or certain privileges is an option to consider. In severe situations where you are simply unable to control your childās bullying behavior, you may potentially consider sending them away to a wilderness camp for therapy. These camps donāt always have the best reputations, and advocates for āgentle parentingā definitely have a lot of negative things to say about them, but these naughty kid camps are available as an option nonetheless.
- Consider alternative schooling or homeschooling. Maybe the best option for your child is to remove them from the public school system altogether. If youāre unable to curb your childās behavior while theyāre in a public classroom setting, and switching schools doesnāt help, you can check out alternative schooling methods. Many states have charter schools, which are somewhat like private schools. If all else fails, consider homeschooling.
Youāre responsible for your child and their behavior
If your child has been caught bullying, the most important thing for you to remember is that you are their parent and you are responsible for raising that child into a productive member of society. How your child behaves, whether youāre present or not, is reflective of how youāve raised them and the values youāve instilled in them. If your child is bullying other children ā whether theyāre very young or in high school ā it illustrates a failure in that upbringing. Ignoring this problem is just more failure. When you fail to correct bullying behavior in your child, and the problem continues, you are allowing the victimization of others. If the moral implications of this isnāt enough to make you want to nip this behavior in the bud, the potential consequences of it should. Believe it or not, you can be held civilly and even criminally liable for your childās behavior if theyāre caught bullying. In other words, if you donāt take your childās bullying seriously, you can end up neck-deep in fines or be ordered to pay for damages to the family of your childās victims.
Since at least 2011, there is legal precedent for the parents of a bully being sued for their childās actions. According to Metro Kids it is absolutely likely that you can be successfully sued if your child bullies another, and the victimās parents choose to take this route.
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